My sister ❤

Dear achi,

I want to thank you for being the first person that taught me what is right and what is wrong. Thank you for helping me when I couldn’t breathe everyday before because of my lung problems and you would always give me banana because it’s good for the heart. Thank you for being someone I can tell everything to and even if you would get mad at me whenever I do something wrong, you always support me as long as it makes me happy. Thank you for covering up for me whenever I do bad things even though daddy beats you up and grounds you for protecting me. Thank you for teaching me math before even if I don’t even listen to you properly. Thank you for teaching me the value of my education that’s why I tried getting good grades already. Thank you for always choosing to protect me before anything else. Thank you for telling me your secrets and for all our kwento sessions. I will really really miss it:( Thank you for understanding me all the time and being there for me when Ira left me and hurt me over and over again. Thank you for helping me be a stronger person and teaching me not to give up even if things get really hard. Thank you for all the times you surprised me with food, makeup, clothes, stuffed toys, and a lot more. Thank you for teaching me what true love is because that’s what I feel with you. You taught me what true love really means. When you are willing to die for a person, you think about that person’s happiness before your own, you always want to protect the person, and no matter how many times that person hurts you, you would never leave the person. I got really hurt when you went to college and got so stressed and barely even minded me and you would fight me everyday:( but I understand the college stress. I’m sorry for not being the best sister. I’m sorry I lie to you sometimes and break your trust. I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry we can’t be together anymore. I’m sorry for everything I did to hurt you. I look up to you in so many ways. Remember eversince we were young, we told each other we would be best friends? Because outside, we can have so many friends but at the end everyone can leave us but we would never leave each other because we love each other so much and our bond as sisters is super strong. I may not be home with you in the same room to hug you and have kwento sessions with you but I’m always here when you need me, I promise!!! You would always look out for me most especially with my kalokohans. I promise starting now I’ll listen to you. I won’t bother attending the party tomorrow because you think I’ll get raped 😒 you gotta allow me to party soon THO I mean I have afterprom and stuff you know HAHA. I know at the end of the day, there is no one that loves and cares about me as much as you do, and for that I will be forever grateful. Thank you for being open to me and helping me learn my lessons In life. Thank you so much for accepting me for who I am because you are the only person I know that accepts me completely. You are my sister and like my twin. I love how we would bash people together and we always have the same thoughts about everything. We both love the way we look and take so much pictures of ourselves most especially in the cr then we take so long there just admiring ourselves HAHAHA. You know every single bad thing I’ve done and I betrayed you so much times but you still love me. Who would even love me after all of those? I know I’m pretty crazy and wild Hehe and so much people left me to the point that I’m so scared of people leaving me but you are still here. Never leave me okay? This is our 16th year of being best sisters and best friends HEHEHEHE girlfriend 😁. When we’re together, we have so much fun and some of my best memories are spent with you. Although you and I are completely different, and always have been, we share so much in common and we can always relate to each other. You have helped me tremendously, especially in the past few years, and I hope I have done the same for you. Thank you for being the one person I can always count on in anything. Thank you for supporting me in everything I want like what I want to be in the future. Even if people said I can’t do it, you never discouraged me and told me to do whatever I love. Thank you for helping me and teaching me so many things hehehehehehe!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ACHI, MY ONE AND ONLY SISTER AND BESTFRIEND!!! SEE YOU SOON OKAY HEHEHEHE AND IM SO GLAD WE VIDEO CALLED TODAY AND I WAS ABLE TO SEE YOU AGAIN 😞😘😋

Advertisements

A new beginning

Do you ever feel like life is too hard? The feeling of going through so much problems and it seems so impossible to overcome? Have you ever fell in love then got hurt then fell in love again? Have you ever done something so stupid and absurd in your life?

Well I have…

These past few months, so much things has happened so I’ll start from the beginning.

1. I got grounded because my dad caught me awake late at night using my phone just chatting with people so he took away all my gadgets. Of course, I couldn’t handle this because I didn’t want to lose my social life so I talked to my mom who I wasn’t close with at that time. I explained to her everything that happened and what I was feeling so she gave me an iPhone X but I had to hide it from my dad because he does not allow me to have a phone. I still continued going out with my friends and continued my social life even if I was grounded because my mom was helping me.

2. One day I had a soiree and I met this boy who I found cute and I told myself ” oh I can take him to prom because he’s tall and cute “. So during the soiree he was the guy I talked to the most especially during the speed dating like we ended up with each other twice and that’s when I realized like oh he’s cute pala!! It was even so funny because since we were required to talk and I was really shy and quiet, he was running out of topics and things to ask so he was repeating his questions and I would answer them over and over again. I was together with my friend who was really outgoing and confident unlike me so I didn’t really think that the guy would even notice me or be interested in me. Before I left the soiree, I realized that I don’t even remember his name and of course I wanna keep in touch with him after the soiree so I can have a prom date so I went to him and I was like ” oh Yah what’s your name again? ” then he told me his name. After that I was like OHHH okay bye *while smiling *!!! After the soiree I waited for his message but there was none so I decided to message first because there’s nothing wrong with messaging a guy first as long as you dont have any other weird motives right?? SO I MESSAGED HIM!!! and he seenzoned right away and took really long to type because he was still thinking about what to say. So he finally replied then we started talking about how the soiree went so I asked if he found anyone interesting in the soiree and he said yes and I said yes as well. He said he likes the girl because she’s shy and he’s into shy girls!!!! I said I like the guy because we talked the longest and he seems nice ( I was referring to him). Turns out, he was referring to me too and we both liked each other all along!! Things started to spark and get even better between the two of us until one day he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes!!! We started dating October 19, 2018 and it is a date I will never forget.

3. A few days later my dad found out that I had a phone with me while I was grounded so he read my chats and saw that I have a boyfriend so he took the phone then got really mad at me and told me to leave the guy… But we just started dating… I won’t leave him??? I fought for the guy to my dad so my dad let me pick between him and the guy and if I pick the guy, he said to just leave the house. Well of course I’m stupid so I chose the guy and I left my house. I contacted my girl friend through the telephone since I did not have a cellphone and I told her I wanted to leave my house and I need a place to stay. Her guy friend who was also my friend had a condo which his parents don’t stay in so I’m welcomed to stay there for the night and of course I accepted the offer because I was in desperate need of it.

4. I rode grab going to the guys condo and I brought my notes because it was my finals the next day so I was studying for it. When I got to the condo, I sat on his bed because that was the only thing in his room since it was really small, then I started studying. Later on, he told me to stop studying and started hugging me. I was fine with it because it was just a hug but then he pushed me down the bed and started to exert so much force then he turned off all the lights so it was really dark most especially that was already late at night. I tried to fight, push him away, and scream but he just covered my mouth and exerted more strength and told me to quiet. I begged him not to do anything because I’m still a virgin but then he didn’t care and literally place his dick inside of me. I kept on screaming and I kept on crying because I did not want it but I was so powerless and weak I couldn’t even help myself. It was the worst moment of my life I felt like my life turned upside down. I just didn’t know what to do or how to feel or what to say. All I did was cry and cry but he never cared and just kept going and even covered my face with a pillow.

5. I was able to contact my mom and I asked her to pick me up then she brought me to her house with her family, away from my dad. Right now, I kind of got over the rape because past is past and I don’t think it got me pregnant because I’m not vommitting or anything and the pain faded after 5 days so it’s not that bothersome anymore. The guy also apologized and acknowledged his mistakes so I chose to move forward and not let it affect me because I have other problems to deal with. My mom was able to buy me a new phone after a few days so I was able to contact my boyfriend later on but I did not tell him about what happened. I was being smart and practical. Isnt it obvious that if he found out that I left my dad because of him, then he would leave me just so my relationship with my dad would be fixed? I’m not willing to lose more people because of my dad so I’m trying to stand up for myself, fight for what I want and be strong.

6. My relationship with my boyfriend is going well right now like we are happy together and we don’t really have problems because I’m really trying to protect our relationship at all costs. My problem now is I study far from this place I’m living in right now and the transportation fee going back and forth from school to my place would be 2000 pesos a day since we don’t have a driver here. Of course we can’t get such a big amount of money to waste daily. My mom wants me to go back to my dad so I would be able to go to school with no problem but it’s just something I’m not willing to do so I’m still very fighting for what I want. My mom is trying to find a condo near my school so it would be easier for me to go to school but the problem is the money because my dad has all my moms money at the moment. It’s all so hard and overwhelming and I wish I can just be a good daughter and follow every single thing my dad wants me to do even if I don’t want to do it and it’s not even logical but I can’t because I love my boyfriend.

7. Above all those, I’m scared… Because I’m falling for my boyfriend right now so much that I’m being really stupid but I’m also so afraid he would leave me. He told me he left his ex mu because she had too much problems, she was too clingy, she drinks, she was horny and was teaching him things he didn’t want to know because he’s really innocent and isn’t like those fuccbois. Of course I got scared because if you really love a person why would you leave them just because of that like its honestly really petty so I started questioning him a lot and asking him what makes me different from her and he said he loves me and he never loved her he only liked her and she was just his mu but I’m his first girlfriend and he wants to have a long lasting relationship with me. I’m just really so scared to get hurt again because I got hurt so much times already most especially with my first love so am I really ready to take the risk of getting hurt again if things don’t go the way I want them to?

My friend told me that I should learn how to take risks because how will I be able to find love again if I never wanna take risks after my first ex hurt me? How will I be able to move on and feel happy again? Damn she made a point so right now I’m gonna continue fighting for this and I’m going to find a way to go to school and fix my life, hopefully without ever having to go back to my dad. It may be hard but I won’t give up and I’ll keep on going.

So if any of you are going through a lot of problems like me whether our problems are similar or completely different, just please keep in mind that there’s always something worth fighting for and for you to keep on going, even just the smallest things are worth fighting for so NEVER GIVE UP AND ALWAYS BE STRONG.

All the love ❤❤❤ stay strong, my loves!

To my bestfriend…

I want to thank you for our 4-5 years of friendship. I am so grateful i had someone like you by my side during my darkest moments. When people entered my life and walked out of my life, you never left me, you never gave up on me. My bestfriend who I treated as my sister, my diary and someone who would always be willing to lend an ear, I love you. I had a past… yes i did. I used to be a bully and I used to not care about anything. I did not care about my studies, other peoples feelings and my family. I only thought about myself, my own happiness and anything that benefits me. How lucky am I that i was able to find a friend like you, aren’t I? You are sweet, loving, caring and studious. You give chances to everyone, you work hard to achieve your goals and you never give up. You care for everyone and you always give people the love they do not even deserve, like with me. Why would I even think that I deserve such an amazing friend like you? People may insult the way you look, but you are so beautiful, so perfect and flawless, in the inside. I want to apologize for not being enough, for hurting you, and for not being a good friend. I never meant to hurt you in any way, i just always wanted to be honest with you… thats what friends are for right?? It felt amazing to finally have someone to call as my ” bestfriend ” because no one actually ever proved that they were deserving of that title, only you did… and it hurts you have to go right?? How much it pains me to see you lack confidence because of me, to see you argue with your parents because of me, how much it pains me… Thank you for trying to fight for our friendship. Thank you for defending me whenever your parents would tell you I am not good enough for you… although, maybe they were right all along. You deserve the best in this world. You deserve someone that can help you become a even better person than you are now, and that is clearly not me and it can never be me. I lost myself a long time ago so maybe I should have stayed away from you since then, so I would not be a burden to you, but again, how selfish of me, don’t you think? Ill admit that it hurts me so much that our friendship, that i thought was so strong, is now over because your parents cant let you be around someone like me, with a past. I don’t blame you though, you are not the first. Maybe I just really don’t deserve happiness. People say ” past is past ” but honestly, don’t we all get judged by our past? It hurts a lot but all I can tell you is, thank you and I wish you the best… my one and only bestfriend 🙂 I thank you for all the memories.

it is time to let you go because I love you. Goodbye 😔💔

Love,

Serena ❤️

My lost soul

As teenagers, we experience struggles, difficulties and anxieties that sometimes we are afraid to share to other people because they might not even understand us. I came from an all girls school where people gossip a lot and rumors can easily be created. I am not popular and I am a really shy person. I grew up in a family that is not really happy and united. My mother, she is barely home and I grew up resenting her for the lack of time and love she gave me while i was growing up. On the other hand, my father is really strict, overprotective and he always wants the best for me. My parents have really high expectations and it is kind of hard to meet their expectations. There are so much things I am not allowed to do such as hanging out with boys, dating, disrespecting them in any way, spending too much money, overusing social media, being irresponsible and a lot more which just overwhelms me, to the point that I just do not want to follow them anymore. I can say I am not a good daughter, I am not obedient and I lie a lot.

Grade 9… I met this boy… he was my first love. I was not allowed to have a boyfriend so i kept it a secret from my parents, but of course, there were limitations in our relationship such as going on dates. My parents eventually found out about it because they have friends and connections everywhere to inform them about my every move. When they found out, I got grounded and talked to the boy through email during my breaks in school and that was our only form of communication for months. He would go to my school mostly on Friday’s just to see me and i found it really sweet because that requires a lot of effort, considering our school is not really a walking distance. My father eventually ungrounded me and became open to the idea of us dating but after a couple of months, he broke up with me because he was tired of me and had feelings for another girl. This was a moment i could never forget, something i tried to handle on my own… but I just could not. I broke down to my dad and just cried my heart out and for the first time, i told him all the pain i was feeling which made my dad resent the boy for hurting me. For three weeks, all i did was beg him to come back to me because i was that weak, that sensitive, that i just could not handle myself… i was so broken. He eventually came back to me and we dated secretly because my dad could no longer accept him; however, one day my dad checked my phone out of nowhere and saw our conversations which really made him mad, most especially because i kept it from him. It came to the point where my dad wanted to make me drop out of school because i would not leave the guy so the the guy just left me instead so i could continue studying… i loved him and i know he loved me too… 8 months of breakup… i ruined myself, i could not handle it, i became stupid and lost myself. It was so scary… i felt like i was all alone… i had no one and i barely even knew myself. Who have I become? What have I become? What am i doing? I know it is wrong but i cant stop doing it. My ex knew everything i was doing… all the bad things… it hurt him so much to see me transform into someone i am not… but again… i let my emotions take over me… what could i have done? We dated again for around two weeks because typical me, begged him to just come back, hoping that maybe i could find myself with him by my side again. I guess i loved him way too much that i lost all the love I had for myself. Again, he broke up with me because the ” past ” is affecting him. I was so afraid to be miserable all over again… so afraid… why does everyone leave me?? Am i worthless? Am i not enough? Why is my best not enough? Why am i not even being appreciated? WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH ME?!

I decided to try to date someone new and forget about that toxic person. I just wanted to date, to maybe fix myself?? But i never wanted to fall in love with the guy… but again, I am so loving, caring and sensitive that I fell in love with the guy. I have not dated the guy for a long time but I know what I feel. Now, my problem is myself. Because i went through so much with my ex and i had lots of friends that left me too, my greatest fear is losing people i love. I am so afraid, paranoid and insecure to the point that I end up becoming controlling and I have trust issues. My boyfriend right now said I am too controlling and demanding… but what can i do? I am so scared! I think I entered a relationship too fast when I was still broken thats why I am like this but i never want to lose the guy… i wanna improve myself… i wanna be better… i wanna be more calm and trusting but how can i do this?

I am lost.